I have a lot of things to be sorry for. Being overly jealous, it was a problem I always had. So stupid. You’d think after so many years I’d be over it.
We were doing so well, and I blew it. I’m such an idiot. Didn’t I learn anything after all these years of being by myself?
I want to say I was worse before, I want to say that I’m better now. But what difference does it make if I’m still making the same mistake? How much better could I be if I’m still hurting people. It has to stop.
Yes, it does. So I did some research last night, and I’ve got some strategies that can help reduce my jealous tendencies. They say being jealous is a normal thing, and we all deal with it. Some people cope with it better than others. The sooner I can get over this damn thing, the sooner I can go back to being the amazing boyfriend that I know I’m capable of being.
- First, beginning with me. I will look into the mirror and remind myself of who I am. What I am to her, and what she means to me. If I trust her with everything, then she can’t harm me. This is going to take deep reflections, and I’m going to have to fight some inner demons. She’s too important for me to let go. Too important for me to brush my anxiety off. Too important for me to ignore myself and what I need to do.
- Second, I’m going to show her that I trust her. If I value her so much, then I shouldn’t let my selfish tendencies get in the way of her life, and our relationship. I told her I trust her, and now that I’ve showed that I didn’t. I have to set things right and trust her completely. When she’s out, I constantly sent her messages. Unconsciously seeking attention, and being jealous when she’s in any proximity of a friend of the opposite sex. After some thinking, I realize that this was a habit of mine before. I’ve done some horrible things, and this is probably the crack that seeped through my previous relationships. Why hadn’t I realized it? I’m done blaming other people for my problems. At the same time, I’m done blaming myself, seeking the attention of others. I’m ready to make a change that will impact the people I love in a positive. I have to keep in mind and always remember that I’m the one she loves. I’m the one on her background. I’m the guy she talks about 24/7. I am the one who she spends countless hours being on the phone with me while I’m being a nerd doing nerdy things. I’ve got to remember that I do mean a lot to her. And just because she’s with other people, she will always love me, and she will always miss me, even when she’s not texting me (pathetic, I know.. but bear with me)
- Third, the article I read recommended a solution that would help track my progress of my jealousy. It feels like rehab, but I’m going to keep a notebook or something on my phone that I will track. Whenever I get struck with jealousy, or whenever I’m about to send some kind of asshole text to my girlfriend (the fact that she can sense that I’m upset amazes me). Instead of picking up a hot coal and try to throw it, I’ll go to my notepad, write down the date and time, what I’m thinking, one to three words max, save it, and then tell my girlfriend that I love her and I hope she’s having a great time (sincerely).
I really think this will help me. It’ll help us for sure. If she does end up dumping me, at least I learned a valuable lesson, albeit expensive. There’s always Tam Bao temple.